I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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