I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
