also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
