I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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