Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
