I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
