if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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