First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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