I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
