I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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