i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
