Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
