Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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