Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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