im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
