I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
