He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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