She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
