He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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