If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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