I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
