there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
