Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
