woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
