I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
