If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
