I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
