I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
