This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
