I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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