i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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