I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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