Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
