Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
