It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
