so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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