This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He did a backflip because drugs
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
