Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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