I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Randomize
