I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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