Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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