You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
