New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
