how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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