She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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