I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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