...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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