is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
