I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
