I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
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