yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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