I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
