oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
