Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
