got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
