i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Can you bring me the toilet please
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
