I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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